My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
