we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just tell him i said nine months
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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