he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
