my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
