my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
