I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
