Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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