Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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