the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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