I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
