i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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