I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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