my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
