I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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