my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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