I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I have fence marks all over my body
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
