oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
