It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
