am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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