i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
