Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
