How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
