May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
