There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
