I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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