Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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