You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
