I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
