I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
