My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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