Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
