the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
