did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
