I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
