I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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