I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
How does one acquire holy water?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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