Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
