dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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