if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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