It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
