How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
