i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
