I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
