Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
