He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
