i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
