Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
