are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
