Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
