my phone needs a breathalizer
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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